My 2012, A Year of Momentous Change

change aheadA year ago I could not have predicted the momentous changes in store for me in 2012, both personally and professionally. I was just kind of rolling along, balancing several jobs, taking care of our sons, finding time for family and reading. I had committed to reviewing all the books I read on Goodreads and was just dabbling in the wider world on blogging, via Tumblr.

For the past 13 years, I had always thought that I’d have time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life once my kids were “a little older.” I was so fortunate to have a built a good part-time job around my needs, working for Chicago Parent. But I was feeling restless, and seriously concerned about sending three boys into private high school in a few years.

Early in 2012, I met with a long-time friend in a more professional capacity. Patti is a former boss who years ago had made the decision to give up the 9-5 security and launch her own business, Go Girl Communications.  She connects mom-bloggers with businesses. And, seriously, I thought it was some kind of make-believe profession. Then we started to talk about this growing “social media” potential and I discovered how easy WordPress made it to combine words, books and pictures.

So in March 2012 I launched alenaslife, half-part a whim and half-part a plan to commit to writing as my professional future. I put myself “out there” and redoubled my efforts to pick up new assignments and make contacts outside my Chicago Parent world. I read other blogs, did research and talked to anyone who was willing to share their advice. I immersed myself in social media – WordPress, Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, Pinterest.  I could do this and still be a mom, I thought.

But 2012 had other designs.things will not stay

While searching for a summer camp for my sons, I happened upon a job opening in public relations at my alma mater. I had stayed only loosely connected to my high school, but the job description seemed so absolutely perfectly, that I took a chance and applied.

I got the job.

In July, I re-entered the world of full-time employment. The change to my life (my children’s and husband’s lives too) was immediate. I know I made the right choice, but it’s not easy to go from keeping my own schedule to having a starting and ending time to my job. We are all still adjusting.

On the positive side, I love the school for which I work and the people, now friends, I’ve come to know. But, timing is everything, and starting a new job meant I lost the traction I had with my blog and my writing. I quite simply do not have the time to read and write the way I would wish.

Meanwhile, I was still trying to spend as much time as possible with my father, who was suffering the debilitating effects of ALS. Since he lived almost an hour away, I couldn’t see him as much as I wanted, but I tried to be there for him, for his wife, for my brother, for me. He was so excited about my new job, about my growing sense of confidence in myself, in his grandsons.

Then, in September, too soon, he died. I am grateful he is no longer suffering; but I am still dealing with the knowledge that my dad is gone. Even if we went weeks without talking to each other, I always knew he was there. Now, he is not. It’s strange and sad.

things changeSo, here I am as 2012 draws to a close, wondering what changes I can expect in 2013. I know “change is good,” but I sincerely hope that 12 months from now I am not contemplating a life with a new job and a major personal loss.

I wish you all a peaceful and happy new year.

Love what you do

I frequently question why I do this. Why do I feel guilty when I don’t post “enough”? Should I schedule the post even though it could stand more editing? Is it OK to re-use copy from a previous post? Are there too many book reviews and not enough life? Really, is this a blog or a journal? What’s the difference?

These are the questions that run through my brain at the oddest hours. They steal moments when I should be folding laundry or vacuuming. They nag at me every time I ask my sons to wait a few minutes while I finish writing. They also motivate me to get up and write when I’m zoning out in front of the television.

My life was in a different place when I launched alenaslife. I had more flexibility and freedom in my schedule. My writing assignments for work were centered around my family and personal interests, allowing me some overlap between work and blogging. Now that I’m trying to fit alenaslife around a full-time job and schoolwork, three boys full fall schedules and some semblance of a personal life, blogging isn’t so easy.

But, I always return to my personal bottom line. I love to write and I love to share. When I publish something that strikes a chord with readers and elicits comments and feedback, I am thrilled. I don’t understand the magic formula — some mix of topic, style and timing I think — but each time it happens, it’s like Christmas Day.

So, in crisis, I look to the blogosphere, where I frequently find wisdom and inspiration. About a month ago, I bookmarked a post I knew I’d need at some point. Liz Gumbinner’s Mom-101 is one of my favorite sources of humor about life. When she wrote about the blog world’s “existential angst,” I could relate. You can read the full post here, but this is the excerpt which struck me:

You serve best by doing the things you love most.

It struck me that this is the key, isn’t it? For all of us? Whatever it is. If you’re writing for love, writing for money, writing for fame and glory. Writing to bear witness or make change in the world, writing to understand your place in the world. Writing as an escape from your life for a few moments out of every hectic, whirlwind of a day. Writing to connect, writing to feel connected.

It’s all good.

It’s all okay.

It’s all important.

It’s how you serve.

It’s easy to look at people doing so much and think, I could be doing more. It’s easy to look at bloggers making wholesale changes and question your own path.

Use them to inspire you. Don’t use them to beat yourself up.

I will use Liz’s words to remind myself that whatever I blog, however often I do it, and on whichever topic strikes me that day — it’s all okay.

I would love to know what motivates or inspires you to do what you love.

Shameless self-promotion. Please vote for me.

I just received notification that I am a FINALIST in the National Library Week 6-word Story Contest. I don’t think I’ve ever been a finalist in any contest, so I’m asking you if you can take a minute to vote for my story: “I came. I read. I’m happy.”

http://atyourlibrary.org/vote-your-favorite-6-word-library-story

I’m proud to support National Library Week no matter what the outcome, but reading the 15 finalists’ stories reminded me of all the ways people across the country love their libraries. The responses are inspiring and amusing.

Billy Collins speaks to me

Poet Billy Collins at the Union Square Barnes ...

Poet Billy Collins at the Union Square Barnes & Noble. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

April arrived with a call to poetry. Blog challenges, publishing tweets and literary websites all called me to read and/or write poetry. Drat. I like a good reading challenge as much as the next blogger, but poetry?

Could I get by with reading Shel Silverstein and Dr. Seuss to my kids? Somehow that didn’t seem in the spirit of things, so I decided to just skip it. I have enough prose literature to get through April as it is.

But this week, while browsing at the bookstore, I saw some bargain poetry anthologies. At $2 apiece, I felt like the reading gods were urging me to overcome this intellectual hurdle. I grabbed two. Then, as I made my way to the register, I noticed Billy Collins latest collection staring out from the corner of the display. Here was a name I knew.

My husband reads Collins regularly. My mom quotes him often. I have even posted video clips of him reading his own work. What I had never done was sit down and read his work on my own. Still hesitant to buy a book of poetry, I decided to make it a gift for my husband.

Well, he still has not taken possession of the book. Instead, Billy Collins has taken a hold of me. Is all poetry this good, this comforting, this beautiful? This man has offered me a glimpse inside his soul, and I’m comfortable there.

In HOROSCOPES FOR THE DEAD, Collins is writing about the everyday – birds chirping, abandoned chairs, mattress shopping. The poems are short, easily digested. He makes his poetry feel like an extension of easy conversation. The beauty shines through the simplest ideas.

So it is not until I leave the house

and walk three times around this hidden lake

that the poem begins to show

any interest in walking by my side.           — “Memorizing ‘The Sun Rising’ by John Donne”

He tackles big issues, love and mortality, too. But, even these he breaks down to their simplest parts.

what life would be like as one of your ribs –

to be with you all the time,

rising under your blouse and skin,

caged under the soft weight of your breasts

 

your favorite rib, I am assuming,

if you ever bothered to stop and count them

 

which is just what I did later that night

after you had fallen asleep

and we were fitted tightly back to front,

your long legs against the length of mine,

my fingers doing the crazy numbering that comes with love.  — “Genesis”

I began reading and didn’t want to stop. But I did. I stopped often to read passages out loud. I stopped to copy entire passages. I stopped to let some of his beautiful words sink deep into me. I pondered his imagery in “The Unborn Children” and understood that a new world had been unlocked for me.

Toward the end of the collection, in “Bread and Butter,” Collins writes,

And now something tells me I should make

more out of all that, moving down

and inward where a poem is meant to go.

 

But this time I want to leave it be,

the sea, the stars, the dogs, and the clouds –

just written down, folded in fours, and handed to my host.

If I had known, if I had understood, that poetry could be, is, Billy Collins, I would have had no fear.

Book cover image from GoodReads

On the Rules of Literary Fiction for Men and Women – NYTimes.com

On the Rules of Literary Fiction for Men and Women – NYTimes.com.

I loved this article on the precarious place of “women’s” fiction in the pecking order of great writing. Meg Wolitzer beautifully articulates my jumbled thoughts on the wacky logic behind classifing all novels written by women as “women’s fiction.” Well done.

Zadie Smith – On Writing

Amanda On Writing (Zadie Smith – On Writing 1 When still a child,…).

I “Tumbled” onto a fantastic list of writing tips that I have printed and posted above my desk. I especially like:

#5. Leave a decent space of time between writing and editing it.

I am often guilty of not following that advice.

Monday Quote – Courage

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.
- Atticus Finch”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

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